just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
