I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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