i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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