he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
