hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Randomize
