so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
