there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
