My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So much rum. So many feels.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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