I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
