So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
