I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
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