I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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