Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
