i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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