once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
And the cops told us we were all naked.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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