Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
