Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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