either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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