Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize