happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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