you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
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The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
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The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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