eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
