I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
