Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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