genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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