hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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