I accidentally burped into my bong.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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