Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
