nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize