Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
