I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I will be naked everywhere
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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