she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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