My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
