I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Randomize
