So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
