my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
