I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
