We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
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And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
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I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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