And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.