i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
