You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
