Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
