Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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