My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
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