Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i just sent this text using only my big toe
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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