So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
