if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
