It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
