I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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