Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He passed out mid-signature
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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