She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
