just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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