I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Sponge bath it is.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Randomize
