chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
The Olympian is in my bed
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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