I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
