This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
