even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
