We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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