new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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